Here’s the current clip:

I’ve bent as far as I can take
I’ve been to hell d’you think that I would break?
I’m not afraid to be alone
But you and I both know that this is home

You wont find your roots out on the road
Get honest with yourself and get back home
Let it go old man there’s nothing left to do
You gave me everything I wanted you

I’ve bent as far as I can take
I’ve been to hell d’you think that I would break?
I’m not afraid to be alone
But you and I both know that this is home

Also, as part of this Samson Cats project I’ve been spending some time looking into my family’s musical roots in Arkansas. I can’t wait to tell you about the Ozark folk anthology I ordered. Which led me to a handful more books on local culture, folklore, and magic.

For now you should know that this cat sings. But not every time. She sings when she wants to sing, which is what makes it so special.

I had his cassettes too. I would listen and rewind them over and over, scribbling down every lyric by hand, desperate to understand his world even from a distance.

When I was nineteen and in college, we finally reconnected. One day he called and asked me to drop out of school to join his band. He wanted me on bass. I wanted to play guitar. We went back and forth, playfully debating the structure of a band that didn’t exist yet.

I thought about it seriously. In the end, I said no. I had wanted to make music with my dad for as long as I could remember, but his life was untethered, and at that point I needed stability. So I stayed in school. I took music classes alongside everything else, songwriting, voice lessons, guitar, choir, music theory, djembe drum. Anything I could find to keep my musical side breathing.

In 2006, I got a call from Judith, my stepmom. My dad had passed away, ultimately succumbing to the substances he had used all his life. Our chance to make music together, to build something real between us, was gone.

I regretted staying in school for a long time after that.

Years later, I felt myself sinking back into that old ache. Then I looked up and there were my two little girls, watching me. Something shifted. I didn’t have to stay stuck in what I had missed. I could build it right here, with them.

So we did. We started singing together, picking up instruments, making music that sounded like us. It became the connection I had always longed for, a tie to a past we only know through song. I get to live in that world now, with my daughters Elliot and Logan. Singing his songs in our voices, writing our own, making harmonies and memories as we go.

This is how Samson Cats came to be. Samson is my maiden name, my dad’s last name, the musical thread running through the generations of my family. It lived then, with him. It lives now, with us. And it will hopefully carry on long after we are gone.

And now you are a Samson Cat too. Welcome. We are so glad you are here.

Years later, when Cameron got sick I added a bridge to the song (not included in the recording). It read:

Before I fall asleep keep your body close to me

I’m waiting on the edge to see if you’ll wake up next to me

Cameron was sick for six months and died shortly after his 40th birthday. When he died the words in the song hit different. Suddenly it wasn’t just about wrestling with faith and identity. It was about loss, grief, and surviving in a reality I didn’t ask for and didn’t want.

There’s something beautiful about watching a song age with you. It was a reminder that time moves in cycles, and the things we create stay close to us and keep speaking to us long after we think they’re done.

I have more to say about the cyclical nature of time and music moving through the Samson family line, but for now here’s the video of me singing Sweet By and By from 2014.

Don’t wake me up, I’ve closed my eyes

Let me surrender to the night

I’ll float away, don’t hold my tail

Let my soul set sail

My body’s in the way of what my lips have to say

We’re still alive tell me why, sweet by and by

You’ve got everything that you say I need

And it’s all within reach, lucky you, lucky me

My body’s in the way of what my lips have to say

We’re still alive tell me why, sweet by and by

Oh, we’re still alive tell me why, sweet by and by